Kelso D. McGee

I need to fucking stop. I need to stop being sad. Fuck. It’s pissing me off so much. I’m not alone or anything, I have people to talk to, but it doesn’t fucking help. I don’t know what’s wrong. I have a job now, I thought that MAYBE that would help a little bit. Why the fuck am I so unhappy?!

These tears, falling
On my cheeks, no reason
I’m scared is all, don’t worry
I’m fine.

I just have moments. Very happy moments, then very sad and down moments. I think too damn much. About now, about the future. What my plans are. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I know I don’t need to figure that out at this point and time, but it still scares me that I don’t know what the future holds for me.

I’m trying to run and eat better so I can feel better about my body. I love it and I think it’s beautiful, but there is room for improvement (toning).
I also wanna start taking pictures more. I won a crap ton of dark room equipment through Facebook that I’m going to setup at my parents so I can start doing film photography (my favorite kind, along with studio digital photography) I just need a film camera. My grandparents have one that they don’t use apparently and it’s in good condition, I hope they give it to me when I ask about it.

Oh I’m also reading, which has actually made me a bit happier. Just won the “Kurt Cobain Journals” through Facebook as well. Got it for $2.50 and it originally retails at $45 Canadian?! STEAL! I’m reading other things at the moment, but I did read the first few pages. Can’t wait to get into more.

I hate not being able to be open with people. Especially people I love. I can tell them snippets, but not everything. I am so happy in my life right now, but I am also really sad. I’m not exactly sure why I’m so sad, maybe because I don’t have friends who really understand my mind. The only friend who really did understand me is now gone and after awhile I couldn’t tell him things because it had been awhile since we had talked in the first place before he had to cut all ties with me. I need to do something. I need to get out of this slump. It’s not healthy and I’m feeling like shit.

I have a love/hate relationship with dreams. I think it’s cool how detailed my mind gets when I dream and I’ve had some super fucked up ones which turn out to be actually pretty cool. They all vary from zombies, video games mashed with real life, real life situations with friends and sometimes hypothetical future situations.

The reason I love my dreams is because they’re just hypothetical situations that I don’t have to experience, but the thing I hate about some of the dreams I have is how they are not real. Especially when it’s an amazing dream and I want it to be a real life situation. It’s kind of annoying really.

Waking up this morning I had the best dream of my life so far, it was very detailed and absolutely beautiful. It was one of my fast forward into the future dreams. The unfortunate thing is that what takes place in the dream will not actually happen in real life.. Ever. So this dream was really the best/worst thing to happen to me. It was full of happiness in dreamland, but in reality it’s just a depressing situation that I’ll never have the chance of experiencing.

[Note: I am not going to explain what happens in the dream I had to anyone. This post is merely me talking about how dreams are dreams and not real life and how sometimes that sucks.]